Dreamt him dead

I dreamt him dead.
Dreamt him into non-existence;
To his final resting place.

Imagined myself at his funeral–
Sobbing,
Distraught–
For one last time.
And him, finally at peace.

He always said he wanted to die.

I watched him unravel,
Desperately trying to catch the threads
Of navy sweaters.
I watched him unravel.
Spiral further away from me
Into his own little labyrinth.

Little dark one.

I dreamt him dead, with a smile on his face.
A smile I hadn’t seen in so long.
Finally there’s an end
And I have something
To grieve.

But I wake from the dream,
Him beside me.
The soft rise and fall of breath
In easy, quiet sleep.
I suffocate sobs of guilt,
Smother myself asleep again.

I wake up red-eyed in the morning.
He always wakes up angry.

Bad Poetry Saba · Dreamt Him Dead

[01/12/2020]

04/10/19

I feel so intensely
The fatal unfurling of each cardiac fibre;
The snap and recoil of too-taut sinews.
The excruciating pain of an impalpable wound.

02/10/19

A puppy falls in love with a lamppost.
Forgetting it has been forcibly chained.
Accepting the cold metal indifference.
Sitting together silently in the rain.

01/10/19

No poem today.
Because my weak words are failing describe emotions too intense for my mind to comprehend.
I’m sure that I must be dying.

30/09/19

Good things happened today but I ache
Debarred from sharing them with you.
I agonize instead, reliving the awful things I wish I’d never said.

23/09/19

I woke up from a dream
Where I’d convinced myself I could be enough to make you happy.
Realising I’m not even enough for myself.

Other girls

He told me I was different
To all those other girls.
I was smarter, funnier,
Prettier and witter
Unlike all those other girls.

Unlike all those other girls,
I was stronger, less hysterical,
More logical, more rational.
I had a male brain.
Unlike all those other girls.

And, like those other girls,
It broke my heart to think
That he’d had all those other girls.
That he had such a low opinion
Of those other girls;
Those nameless girls
With no defining features.
Unremarkable girls.
Other girls.

And I realised that, after a life
Spent wishing to be more like other girls,
I’d rather be another girl
With his long line of other girls.

[05/02/19]